Tipping the scale - Single households outnumber marrieds...but stereotypes weigh them down

Tipping the scale - Single households outnumber marrieds...but stereotypes weigh them down
By Liz Kim
Copyright © 2007, Chicago Tribune and Columbia News Service
Published January 18, 2007

NEW YORK -- In the television series "Sex and the City," there is a moment when Carrie Bradshaw does the math on being single. Adding up the thousands of dollars she has spent on other people's engagements, weddings and baby showers, the normally ebullient Carrie starts to seethe. "If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you," she cries. "Hallmark doesn't make a 'congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy' card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"

The notion that singles are given short shrift has newfound significance these days. In October, the Census Bureau released a survey that showed that for the first time in history single households outnumbered married ones. Of 111.1 million households in 2005, 50.3 percent were headed by unmarried people, up from 48 percent five years ago.

The news has galvanized a burgeoning movement to promote singles rights. "We're on the tip of an iceberg of change," said Nicky Grist, executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project.

For years, the group, which boasts 9,000 members who are either single or living as unmarried couples, has raised the question: Is it fair that married people get extra benefits in insurance, housing and other areas?

Roger Brokaw, a 59-year-old retired Army veteran from Mississippi, doesn't think so. Years ago, he wrote letters to his congressman complaining about the Army's housing policy, which gives married soldiers a larger housing subsidy. Divorced and paying a mortgage, Brokaw felt the extra benefit amounted to a larger salary. "It's supposed to be equal pay for equal work," he said.

Singles-rights advocates argue that employers should provide a cafeteria-style menu of benefit options that would allow single and married employees to choose packages of equal value. In Canada, such plans, which typically appeal to younger workers, are becoming increasingly popular.

Another alternative would be to make people other than spouses eligible for a wider range of benefits. "We often hear from singles who say, `It's so unfair that I can't provide insurance for someone who's not my spouse,' " Grist said. She added that many singles would like to be able to insure someone other than a domestic partner, like a sibling or friend.

Even some married individuals favor singles reform. Chris Richards, 28, a teacher from New York who got married last year, is still bothered by traditional work policies. "I don't see why married people should get a bonus," he said. "If a company wants to reward good behavior, that's fine, but what if I don't want to get married? Is that considered bad behavior?"

The higher cost of being single is not limited to the workplace. Consumer services such as auto insurance typically cost single individuals more because they are viewed as a greater risk than married drivers. And in the housing market, landlords often prefer to rent to married couples.

Discrimination

Tom Coleman, founder and executive director of Unmarried America, cites these examples as reasons why singles discrimination should be viewed as a civil rights issue. "Marital status should be treated the same as race," he said. "How about having individuals being treated on their own merits?"

Coleman, a lawyer, has written on the subject of marital status discrimination since the early 1970s. He writes a weekly column on his Web site, unmarriedamerica.org, that serves as a clearinghouse for information about singles rights. Next year, he hopes to launch a radio show dedicated to singles issues.

At a time when the case for marriage is being trumpeted almost everywhere -- from conservatives promoting family values to gays promoting gay marriage -- defenders of singles have a tough hill to climb. The boom in the dating and wedding industry suggests that marriage is very much on people's minds. In fact, more than 90 percent of Americans eventually marry.

However, there have been some recent political and economic gains for singles-rights advocates. In the latest midterm election, the group Women's Voices, Women Vote focused on getting single women to the polls. According to Coleman, it was the first voter outreach of its kind targeting singles.

In the workplace, more than 9,000 private companies provide domestic-partner benefit plans. While it does not help singles who are without partners, or who want to extend the benefits to a non-partner, it is a nod to the growing number of unmarried couples. Meanwhile, companies such as Oracle and several large county governments offer cafeteria-style benefit plans.

Ultimately, the most difficult task might prove to be overcoming stereotypes. For women without a significant other, flying solo still seems like an unconventional choice. When Bella DePaulo, a single college professor, moved to the West Coast a few years ago, it came as a surprise to her to suddenly feel that it was possible "to have it all."

"There I was with no husband, no kids and no house," she said. "For me having it all was a radically different concept than for other people."


`Singled Out'

Personal observations along with an academic interest spurred DePaulo, a social psychologist, to write the book "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After." She insisted on making the long title even longer by adding the last phrase. She said that she wanted to make the point that despite the obstacles, there are in fact contented singles out there.

Marguerite Sheehan, 63, a divorcee from New York, is one of them. She recently recalled a moment 20 years ago in Atlanta when the mere sight of a woman dining alone threw a restaurant staff into confusion. "I walked in by myself and they didn't know what to do with me," she said, still bristling at the memory.

Sheehan said that for her, being single has gotten easier with age. "You get really feisty and tough by the time you're in your 60s," she said with a sly grin. "But for sure, times have changed."