WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-12-10 AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

WEAKLY HUMERUS NEWS 06-12-10
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

With most of the world going gaga over the upcoming world football championships
in Africa, I think it would be wise to remember, If God intended us to play soccer,
She wouldn't have given us hands. (PBen)

"Let's see, the Cubs plan on having an illuminated 'Toyota' sign over the left
field bleachers at Wrigley Field, while this weekend they play the White Sox
for ownership of the BP Cup(yes, that BP). What's next, 'Take Me Out To The
Ballgame' being sung by Jesse James?" (Bill Littlejohn)

British Petroleum made some progress Friday in halting the oil spill. They used
giant clippers to cut off the tip of the pipe. The idea is if you can't top it,
cap it or plug it, circumcise it and maybe the God of Israel will deliver us
from oil. (Argus Hamilton)

Several media sources called right-hander Stephen Strasburg's major league
debut the most super-hyped ever in baseball. Clearly a pitcher worth more
than a thousand words. (RJ Currie)

Defense contractor Blackwater is up for sale. Its assets are impressive.
The company currently owns over 50 percent of all Congressmen. (Alan Ray)

In Los Angeles, a porn actor attacked and killed one of his acting colleagues
with a porn movie prop. It is the first time the county coroner ever listed
cause of death as "vibrated to death". Up to now, his porn movie prop had
been known simply as a "weapon of mass distraction". It sure gives the movie
title "Die Hard" a whole new meaning. (Jerry Perisho)

Cameron Diaz told British Vogue that lots of sex keeps a person looking young.
Dennis Rodman recently tweeted that fifty per cent of life in the NBA is sex.
So how do you explain Greg Odom? (RJ Currie)

BGR The Burger Joints, four of them in the Washington, D.C., area, are selling
hamburgers named in honor of the Nationals' fastballing pitching phenom. The
$10.99 Strasburger is a hot dog on top of a hamburger patty smothered in aged
Vermont cheddar and 14 pickles, one for each strikeout Strasburg recorded in
his big-league debut on Tuesday. Economists predict they'll sell much better
than, say, Roethlisbergers. (Dwight Perry)

USC will join Michigan as one of the most renowned programs in college football
that will be on probation for 2010. Too bad, the teams could be a perfect matchup
for the newest bowl at Yankee Stadium. Except they'd have to change the name from
"Pinstripe Bowl" to "Jailstripe Bowl." (Janice Hough)

Actor Woody Harrelson kicked the game-winner in a shootout before 65,000 fans
helping his Rest of the World team down England in a Unicef celebrity soccer
match. Many of those in attendance swear that from now on whenever they hope
to score, they'll pray for a Woody. (RJ Currie)

Pat Thomas, General Curator of the Wildlife Conservation Society's Bronx Zoo,
says that Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men cologne is very attractive to big
cats like tigers and jaguars. Well, we already knew that it attracted cougars.
(Bill Littlejohn)


THE LIMBOUGH WEDDING

Good to see that Rush Limbaugh is protecting the sanctity of marriage....
for the fourth time! (Paul Benoit)

Rush Limbaugh recently took his fourth wife at a simple ceremony attended by
a few friends and supporters. After the vows were read, the bride threw the
traditional bouquet in the air and out of habit, Sarah Palin shot it.
(Bob Mills)

Rush Limbaugh got married on Saturday. It was weird for the new wife, especially
when on the first night she found Rush in bed with the Republican Party, the oil
and the gun industry. (Pedro Bartes)

Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage;
he blames the first three breakups on Obama. (Craig Ferguson)

I was really disappointed in Rush Limbaugh's wedding. I was so hoping
Ann Coulter would get Rush (Joe Hickman).

You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn't that
amazing. It proves that there's absolutely no ideological gap that a million-
dollar check can't bridge. (David Letterman)

Rush Limbaugh married for the fourth time. The bride is a direct descendant
of our nation's second president, John Adams, who Limbaugh argues was 'soft
on the British.' (Ira Lawson)

Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59,
she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be
on wife number seven. ( Jay Leno)

You know who sang at Rush's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush,
gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own. (Craig Ferguson)

Elton John was paid $1-million to sing at Rush Limbaugh's wedding, although
guests admit it was a little hard to hear him from the closet. (Tim Hunter)

What's more bizarre? That Rush Limbaugh, who openly opposes gay marriage,
asked Elton John to perform at his fourth wedding? Or that Sir Elton
accepted? (Janice Hough)

"Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh, who got married for the fourth time
on Saturday. It was so romantic — so romantic. First, the couple wrote
their own vows and then they wrote their own prescriptions.
(Jimmy Fallon)

"Here now the official Rush Limbaugh wedding announcement. Rush Limbaugh
wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom
is a controversial radio host and an influential opinion leader in the
conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane.
(David Letterman)


THE GORE DIVORCE

Al Gore and his wife getting divorced? After 40 years of marriage, it's kind
of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him
boring another woman. (Jay Leno)

"They could tell Al Gore was lonely as of late because when he'd hug a tree,
he'd linger. (Bill Maher)

Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation Monday without giving any reason
for their break-up. Friends said Al and Tipper never recovered from losing the
presidential election ten years ago. You just knew it would end up being Bush's
fault. (Argus Hamilton)

Al Gore and his wife, longtime married couple, are separating. Tipper Gore.
And they may get a divorce. Apparently what happened, they experienced global
cooling. (David Letterman)

Bad news for Al Gore. Tipper's divorce attorney called Google to find out
how much half of the Internet is worth. (Paul Seaburn)

Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper? I was. I was a little
sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are separating amicably
after a long process of careful consideration. You know, even his divorce is
boring. (Jay Leno)

You guys heard about Al Gore and Tipper splitting up? Everybody is talking about it.
Everyone's blogging about this, and now there are reports online that his daughter
and her husband are splitting up. I bet this is the one week where Al Gore wishes
he didn't invent the Internet. (Jimmy Fallon)

Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore
now talking about only trying to save half the planet. (Jay Leno)

What happened to Al and Tipper Gore is very sad. The wedding vows they took more
than 40 years ago have become an inconvenient troth. (Terry Etter)

The Gores will have an amicable divorce, Al doesn't want arguments to get
overheated! In the divorce agreement, she'll get half of the world that
Al Gore is hoping to save! (Gil Stern)

After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there
is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's
carbon footprints. (Bill Maher)

There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper
stopped recycling and bought a Humvee. (Jay Leno)

If Mrs. Gore were now to marry the ABC newsman Jake Tapper, she'd be
Tipper Tapper. (Paul Feehan)


THE BP OIL SPILL

According to BP, this containment cap is now capturing, they're capturing
10,000 barrels of oil a day. Which is amazing, considering they said it
was only leaking 1,000 barrels a day. (Jay Leno)

The Gulf oil spill has now lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more
wildlife than Sarah Palin. (Jimmy Kimmel)

BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall.
That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because
it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end. (Jay Leno)

BP spokesman Tony Hayward said that the environmental impact from the Gulf oil
spill would end up being "very modest." Right. If Hayward had been Tiger Woods'
frontman, Woods wouldn't have had mistresses, he'd have had bosom buddies.
(RJ Currie)

The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of
Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami. (David Letterman)

Tony Hayward is set to testify before Congress next week. Unfortunately neither
Congress or BP has ever shown any ability to stop a leak. (Jim Barach)

According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies.
They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call
them "campaign contributions." ((Jay Leno))

BP, which of course stands for "Born Polluted," is spending $50 million on a
p. r. campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn
the midnight oil if they hadn't spilled it. (Jay Leno)

BP says their robots are still trying to cap that oil pipe, and they made a lot
of progress, working all day Sunday. Which is hard on BP, because on Sunday,
robot plumbers get double time. (Frank King)

This BP oil spill looks like it may last longer than any of Limbaugh's marriages.
(Janice Hough)

The White House sent oil stocks falling Friday by vowing to prosecute British
Petroleum for environmental damage. There's a lot of room for interpretation
in the law. Dick Cheney would be prosecuting the pelicans for trying to fly
off with BP's oil. (Argus Hamilton)

Yesterday, British Petroleum stock dropped $17 billion in value. And the executives
at British Petroleum say they have no idea what happened. I kind of have an idea.
I kind of think maybe I got a hunch. (David Letterman)

But British Petroleum, they're getting desperate, so here is what they are going
to do to improve their public image: With every 100,000 gallons of oil that leaks,
you get a free N. F.L. team glass.

BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of
the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind
they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time. (Jay Leno)

BP C.E.O. Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants
to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20. (Jay Leno)

Actor Kevin Costner testified in Washington before a House subcommittee about
the BP oil spill. Kevin Costner is to oil spill disaster recovery what Lady Gaga
is to perfecting the 360-degree tomahawk slam dunk. (Jerry Perisho)

Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching
up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it
with ducks. (Jimmy Fallon)



PRESIDENT OBAMA

Tonight, the Obamas invited members of Congress to a picnic at the White House.
The Obamas' picnic featured foods from all over the four corners of the U. S.,
the Pacific Northwest provided the wild salmon and strawberries and the southern
gulf coast provided 400 million gallons of salad dressing. (Jimmy Fallon)

In his commencement speech at Kalamazoo Central High School, President Obama
told the graduating seniors, "Don't make excuses." He said it's better to
just blame someone else. (Bill Mihalic)

President Obama pitched his healthcare bill to a group of seniors. According to
a poll, half of the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent
thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith.
(Craig Ferguson)

Paul McCartney visited the White House and performed for the Obamas. I noticed
he stayed away from singing "Fixing a Hole" (Bill Littlejohn)

President Obama is angry. He wants to know what happened in the Gulf and he also
wants to know why a 33-year-old woman would marry Rush Limbaugh. (David Letterman)


THE STATES & LOCAL NEWS

Meg Whitman will face the veteran politician Jerry Brown in the California
governor’s race. He’s way past his “sell-by date,” and she’s clearly determined
to “buy it now.” (Bill Williams)

Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are
exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections.
Now women can buy them, too. (Jay Leno)

This morning in California we found that Meg Whitman has bought.... er, sorry,
make that won the Republican race to compete for the office of Governor of
California, an office she hasn't bothered to vote for in about three decades.
The good news is that many jobs will be created, the bad news is that if her
past is prologue they will be created off shore. (Jerry W.)

Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary: Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in
the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.
(Janice Hough)

South Carolina Democrats are crying foul after an unknown, unemployed man facing
a criminal charge won the Senate primary. After all, technically he is not yet
a felon. (Clint Thatcher)

South Carolina voters sent Nikki Haley into a runoff for the GOP nomination
for governor. She was linked sexually to two men not her husband but it wasn't
enough to defeat her. Southerners always rally to anyone who reminds them of
Scarlett O'Hara. (Argus Hamilton)

An Ohio woman was surprised when she discovered a groundhog that had been making
noise under the hood of her car. When mechanics pulled it out, the groundhog saw
its shadow; that means 6 more weeks of accelerator pedal problems. (Jerry Perisho)


U.S. POLITICIS & POLITICIANS

Sarah Palin is now saying that President Obama needs to make sure that these oil
companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from
a helicopter. (David Letterman)

Sarah Palin ordered a wall built around her backyard to shield her family from
the prying eyes of biographer Joe McGinniss. The woman must be living right.
Ever since she started building that wall she's gone up ten points in the polls
in Arizona. (Argus Hamilton)

There's a rumor that Sarah Palin got breast implants. Apparently it was started
by a Russian man who said he could see them from his front porch. Actually, when
I hear Sarah Palin's name, I've always thought of two big boobs: George Bush and
Dick Cheney. (Tim Hunter)

Al Gore arrived in California Friday to raise money for Harry Reid at a dinner
with rich Silicon Valley tech executives. Fundraising isn't the only reason he's
in California. He's won the Nobel, the Oscar and the Grammy, and now he wants a
trophy wife. (Argus Hamilton)

Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from "Jersey Shore," an MTV program,
after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But,
unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his
electric razor. (Jimmy Fallon)

Democratic California gubernatorial nominee Jerry Brown asked for 10 televised
debates with Meg Whitman. She accepted the invitation to debate him, ONCE, in
October. Time and exact date to be worked out, but word has it Whitman is open
to any weekday between 3 and 4am. (Janice Hough)

George W. Bush told a crowd in Grand Rapids Friday he waterboarded Khalid
Sheikh Mohammed and he'd do at again to save lives. He doesn't care that
the confession is inadmissible in court. He just enjoyed reliving Hell Week
at his college fraternity. (Argus Hamilton)


TAXES & THE ECONOMY

A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement
savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, "Retirement savings?" (Jimmy Fallon)

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says if we don't cut back our spending, America will
go the way of Europe. After hearing that, President Obama authorized another
$17 trillion in spending. (Jake Novak)


BUSINESS & LABOR

Apple unveiled its new iPhone Monday which features a front-facing camera for
video chats. It could make a porno filmmaker out of everybody who buys one of
these phones. So much for the last sector of California's economy that was
still profitable. (Argus Hamilton)

Delta Airlines apologized for a mix-up where they sent an unaccompanied boy
to Cleveland, instead of Boston, and an unaccompanied girl to Boston, instead
of Cleveland. Everyone had a good laugh, though, when luggage for both kids
ended up in Albuquerque. (Jerry Perisho)

McDonalds is recalling their Shrek drinking glasses because they're tainted
with Cadmium, which could cause "long term adverse health effects." You know,
like the food! (Tim Hunter)

Cereal maker Kellogg has agreed to drop its marketing claims that Rice Krispies
will strengthen a child's immune system. Any parent that bases their child's
health program on what they read on a cereal box can only be called a flake,
a sugar-frosted flake. (Jerry Perisho)

More than 12,000 nurses walked off the job in Minnesota is a well-orchestrated
one day strike. Nursing hasn't been this big an issue in Minnesota since it
looked like Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura was lactating. (Jerry Perisho)

To improve the brand's image, General Motors has told employees they should
no longer refer to a Chevrolet as a "Chevy." In a similar move, Toyota told
employees to stop referring to a Toyota as an "Oy." (Paul Seaburn)


CRIME & PUNISHMENT

A 63 year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for reaching under the blanket
of a sleeping woman aboard a Continental flight and sexually abusing her. Today
Continental changed its slogan. The new one, "Want to get off?" (Pedro Bartes)


IMMIGRATION & CIVIL RIGHTS

Today, the White House announced they have come up with a cheap, effective
solution for illegal immigration. They're going to have Helen Thomas on the
border, yelling, "Go back to Mexico! Go back to where you came from! Get out!"
(Jay Leno)


GREAT BRITAIN

Prince William's upcoming wedding is reported to cost as much as $400,000.
Of course it was going to be a fraction of that until Sarah Ferguson was
brought in to be the wedding consultant. (Jim Barach)


EUROPE

Denmark wants to tax donors to sperm banks. Talk about oppressive moves.
It’s yet another example of the little guy getting squeezed. (Alan Ray)

Furious over government budget cuts, workers in Spain are protesting.
Thousands marched, lit fires, blew car horns and chanted slogans, until
it was time to go home for their afternoon nap. (Sean M. Lee)


THE MIDDLE EAST

The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week.
The CEO says the company could not survive in a market where everybody
in the country is on the No-Fly list. (Jay Leno)



AUSTRALIA & OCEANIA

The chain-smoking toddler from Indonesia has cut down to 15 cigarettes
per day. You know what would get him to stop smoking for good? It's a
lesser-known treatment called, "Don't give him any." (Craig Ferguson)


SCIENCE

Scientists in Thailand have found a species of monkey that has learned
to fish. Evolution has caused changes in their physical appearance as
well. They now have big beer guts. (Alan Ray)


HEALTH

A medical study says sports are OK for most kids with high blood pressure.
The fierce competition. The physical play. The emotional stress. And those
are just the parent meetings. (Dwight Perry)

Scientists at Canada's Concordia University have created cloth, woven with
wireless sensors, that can track the wearer's vital signs including temperature,
heart rate, and breathing. If all goes according to plan, Armani will soon
market the "Dr. Georgio 500" -- a business suit that can give you a complete
physical. (Bob Mills)


SPORTS

It's been quite a summer at Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, where one
trespassing fan got tased, another got arrested for intentionally vomiting
on a fellow fan, and TV cameras recorded a preschooler swigging a beer. Now,
if they could only get that 4-year-old kid from Indonesia who smokes two packs
a day to go to a Phillies game, they will have hit for the cycle. (Len Berman)

The first World Cup game is between South Africa and Mexico. Mexico really
has a solid team this year, especially after they got all those great players
from Arizona. (Jimmy Fallon)

The NBA finals continue. Some guys nod off for three quarters and only pay
attention for the last 2 or 3 minutes of the Fourth. But enough about the
refs. (Alan Ray)

The Atlanta Braves are on pace to pass 300 walks for the season this weekend.
They trail only Derek Jeter in getting to first base. (RJ Currie)

The San Diego Padres turned a triple play against the New York Mets on Thursday.
It's always big news when a Padres triple play doesn't include the Father, Son
or Holy Ghost. (Jerry Perisho).

Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC's football team will not only
lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from
bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players
more time not to go to class. (Janice Hough)

Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars
might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don't want to take
the pay cut. (Janice Hough)

The NCAA's investigation of the USC athletic program, which started in
March 2006, lasted longer than the Civil War. (Jerry Crowe)

The Edmonton Eskimos announced all tickets to the 2010 Grey Cup were sold
in just one week - a CFL record. Might be the fastest sellout in Edmonton
since Chris Pronger. (RJ Currie)

Is it just me, or did anybody else watching the final game of the Stanley Cup
on TV think the best-timed shot was that Cialis logo popping up in extra time?
(RJ Currie)

The Brazilian referees working the England-United States match at the World Cup
have been studying English-language swear words so they can make sure players
aren't being abusive. Who says sports isn't educational? (Janice Hough)


ATHLETES

Less than 24 hours after winning the first of his record 10 NCAA basketball
championships, UCLA's pious John Wooden got a message from above, from a
pooping pigeon that dropped a souvenir on his head as he was leaving the
team hotel in Kansas City for an Easter church service. Wooden, who died
Friday, recalled the event when he returned to K. C. for a Hall of Fame
ceremony four years ago: "I think the Good Lord was letting me know,
'Don't get carried away.' " (Dwight Perry)

Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was robbed of a perfect game
Wednesday by umpire Jim Joyce. The ump showed up the next day in tears.
His guide dog took a big chunk out of his ankle when he got home the
night before and it was killing him. (Argus Hamilton)

Hockey great Gordie Howe was given an honorary law degree from the University
of Saskatchewan. You would think with all the teeth Gordie knocked out, he
should have received a doctorate of dentistry. (Derek Wilken)

Where have you gone, ironman pitchers? The Phillies' Jamie Moyer, 47,
collected the 33rd complete game of his 24-year career in Saturday's
6-2 win over the Padres. Bob Feller had 36 for the Indians ... in 1946.
(Dwight Perry)

The Washington Nationals named seventeen-year-old slugger Bryce Harper
the top draft pick Monday, he's being called the best prospect since
Mickey Mantle. The Nationals fans are so excited. They can't wait to
see what the Yankees give up for him. (Argus Hamilton)

Ken Griffey Jr. once pulled a pair of drugstore sunglasses off my head,
threw them on the clubhouse floor in disgust and replaced them with a pair
of $150 wraparound Oakleys. I tried to give them back. He just smirked.
He was determined to give me an upgrade in cool. I next asked him whether
he liked my clothes or my car. (Sportswriter Dan Raley)

Tiger Woods agreed to participate in a skins game Wednesday in a charity
pro-am before the Memorial Tournament. He was surprised to see Jack Nicklaus
and the huge crowd waiting for him at the first tee. He thought he was
signing up for a skin flick. (Argus Hamilton)

The NCAA levied severe penalties against USC for their violation of rules
in football and basketball; USC will appeal those penalties. That noise
you hear is Tim Floyd, Pete Carroll, Reggie Bush and O. J. Mayo laughing
all the way to the bank. (Jerry Perisho)

Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez, still owed $24.9 million from his days with
Texas, has been named to a three-member committee representing Rangers
creditors during the team's bankruptcy case. Might be the first time he's
ever looked forward to getting a take sign. (Dwight Perry)

A Chicago Sun-Times report said Kevin McHale had been interested in coaching
the Chicago Bulls. I'd like to see Kevin coaching the U.S. Naval Academy
Midshipmen; McHale's Navy has a ring to it. (RJ Currie)

Andre Agassi, Cassius Clay, Karch Kiraly, Lisa Leslie and Mickey Mantle
were among the honorees when Sports Illustrated announced its All-Alliteration
team. (Dwight Perry)

Ferrari Driver Academy signed 11-year-old Montrealer Lance Stroll, winner
of several Canadian karting titles, making him the youngest driver ever to
wear the Ferrari logo. In other words, it was the kart before the horse.
(RJ Currie)

Mavericks forward Caron Butler joined a couple U. S. congressmen and the
crown prince of Denmark on a bike ride around Washington, D.C., to promote
alternative transportation. Hey, who better than an NBA player to give a
traveling endorsement? (Dwight Perry)

A salute to Canadian Daniel Nestor for winning the French Open doubles
championship, his 69th doubles title - tops among active players. Nestor
has won more court battles than Clarence Darrow. (RJ Currie)

Star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli, already on double-secret probation,
was kicked off the Oregon football team when his latest brush with the
law included marijuana possession. In other words, one too many roll-outs.
(Dwight Perry)


ENTERTAINMENT

The finale of "Glee" was just on. The Fox network is the home of "Glee,"
while Fox News is the home of people who don't like people who watch "Glee."
(Craig Ferguson)

New York City officials are complaining that the decision to transfer
"Law and Order" from New York to Los Angeles will result in an $80 million
loss to local merchants. Not exactly cheap for the producers, either. So far,
they've had to spend $75,000 just to have all the graffiti removed from the
squad cars. (Bob Mills)

A revival of "Annie" is in the works for 2012. It's just like the original,
until the end when she's adopted by Brad and Angelina. (Jimmy Fallon)


ENTERTAINERS

Charlie Sheen got a month in jail for assaulting his wife days after he signed
a two-million-a-week deal with CBS. He's also addicted to pills and he's hooked
on the Internet. If Charlie Sheen were a board game he'd be a lot more fun than
Monopoly. (Argus Hamilton

Gary Coleman's death should cause us to reflect on a life too short. (Terry Etter)

Willy Nelson has cut off his signature pony tails. Well, he didn't so much
cut them off, he smoked them by accident.. (Alex Kaseberg)

Seems Hall and Oates have canceled an upcoming concert in Arizona to protest
the state's new immigration law. Well, that will teach Arizona a lesson, huh?
Let's see how long they can go without Hall and Oates! Now, apparently, Hall
and Oates were worried Arizona authorities would make them go back to where
they came from — the '70s. (Jay Leno)

Actress Rue McClanahan has died at the age of 76. She was one of the
"Golden Girls." To give you an idea of how long ago that series was
on TV, it was back when a woman named "Blanche" could be considered
sexy. (Tim Hunter)


OTHER CELEBRITIES

Shaquille O’Neal challenged last year’s National Spelling Bee winner Kavya
Shivashankar to a spell off. The 14 year old said she would rather compete
at something where she had a better chance at beating Shaq. Like a free
throw contest. (Jake Novak)

A sex tape featuring reality TV star and former Playboy model Kendra Wilkinson
- wife of Philadelpha Eagle Hank Basset - surfaced this week and reports say
ex-XFC fighter Justin Frye, who stars in the tape with Kendra, is behind it.
Other times he is in front of it. (RJ Currie)

Hollywood mogul David Geffen said Friday he can bring LeBron James to L.A.
if he buys the Clippers because he and the free agent NBA superstar are close
friends. LeBron says he wants to win a championship. In twenty years the only
thing the Clippers have ever won is a free taco for guessing the final score
of the Lakers game. (Argus Hamilton)

“The Dog Whisperer” Caesar Millan and his wife of 16-years, are getting divorced.
Apparently she caught him fooling around with some bitch. (Alex Kaseberg)


THE MEDIA

White House reporter Helen Thomas had to resign Tuesday after she told a rabbi
on camera that Jews should leave Israel and go back home to Poland and Germany.
We won't hear from her for awhile. She's rumored to have eloped to Bavaria with
Mel Gibson. (Argus Hamilton)

Longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas has been caught on tape telling
the Jews in israel to "go back to Germany." It's the worst thing Thomas has done
since she tried to eat Hansel and Gretel 375 years ago. (Jake Novak)

White House reporter Helen Thomas is retiring after making some quite controversial
comments about Israel. She said Jews should leave the Middle East and go back to
where they came from. The problem is that's where they came from. (Jay Leno)


EDUCATION

A new study shows that language programs in U. S. schools are lagging behind.
Not enough kids are learning foreign languages in America. In fact, here in
L. A., the schools have cut foreign language classes completely. Did you know
that? Everyone just speaks Spanish now. (Jay Leno)

The on time graduation rate for high school students is 75 percent. A senior
at the top of the class is called a valedictorian. A senior at the bottom of
the class is called an SEC running back. (Alan Ray)



HISTORY

A study rules out lead poisoning as a cause of death for Beethoven in 1827.
The results would have come back sooner, but the tests were sent to the lab
at Kaiser. (Alan Ray)



CULTURE & SEXUAL MORES

A two-year-old Sumatran baby smokes 40 cigarettes a day. The father says
he is addicted. I’m no Dr. Phil, but I think a good way to stop a baby
from smoking is to take away his cigarettes. (Alex Kaseberg)

Baseball fans in Philadelphia are disgusted after a toddler was caught on
video at a Phillies game chugging a beer. The parents of the toddler say
they don't know what all the fuss is about. The kid always chugs a beer
after a couple of cigarettes. (Frank King)

According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 55% of married women are happy
with their sex lives. The other 45% are not having affairs. (Pedro Bartes)

According to a recent survey by iVillage.com, 41% of women would rather
catch up on sleep than have sex with their husband. Why does it have to
be either/or? My wife does both things at the same time. (Pedro Bartes)

A study says that four in five poker players use drugs to stay sharp at
the table. The one who isn't staying quite as sharp is the one who keeps
yelling out "Go fish!" (Jim Barach)

A Pennsylvania couple who were born in the same room on the same day
are set to be married 24 years later. Or as they call that in Alabama,
“fraternal twins”. (Jim Barach)



HOLIDAYS

Happy National Doughnut day to everyone. This is why America is such a great
country: 64 percent of our population is overweight and yet we still have
National Doughnut Day. (Jimmy Kimmel)

World Ocean Day marked the one hundredth anniversary of the birth of the
famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau Monday. He wouldn't recognize it today.
When Jacques Cousteau explored the ocean it was an eco-system, today it's
an energy drink for cars. (Argus Hamilton)



Compiled by Stan Kegel
skegel@socal.rr.com